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Security System: "CHECKING ELEVATOR FOR NON-COMPANY ENTITIES."
"NO NON-COMPANY ENTITIES DETECTED. ELEVATOR DOOR OPENING."
"You are productive."
"Your company values the work that you do."
"You have the power to be the most efficient version of yourself."
"Your colleagues like that you always put the company first."
C.O.O.: "Oh. Hello."
"It seems that the new security system doesn't work."
"Robert had security checks put all over the place to dissuade you from popping in."
"It's too bad the company couldn't afford actual security guards, but that's Chris' domain and not mine."
"Well, since you're here, perhaps you can stick around for a bit. I have a few questions I need to ask you."
(40 second pause)
C.O.O.: "So, do you remember those new hires I was telling you about last time we met?"
"Well, we finished hiring them."
"You've probably seen some of them wandering around, which means I can finally talk more about what exactly the company has been up to."
"After the whole 'regional manager' plan was a bust, Robert fired about twenty-three different entities responsible for that fiasco before calming down and developing a new course of action."
"It was decided that the company's recent efforts had not been good enough."
"These included bringing in a new Chief Legal Officer, hiring the Litigation Team, and hiring the Regional Managers, among other things."
"None of these things had solved any of the company's existing problems, namely the Toon problem."
"Robert, despite being the head of the company, did not blame himself for these failures."
"Surely, the lower-level managers and the employees of the Coal, Oil, and Gas Syndicate had been the responsible party."
"I'm not sure if they were, but it's his company, so he can do what he wants with it."
"Since firing underperforming employees and hiring new ones hadn't worked for him so far, Robert's response..."
"...was to fire a bunch of underperforming employees and hire a bunch of new ones."
"The unique factor here is that my department was the subject of said firing and hiring."
"The official reason for this was that a mass restructuring of the other four major departments each represented difficult logistical and fiscal issues."
"The Boardbots, by virtue of lacking a completed Headquarters, did not face such issues."
"In addition, there were some accusations of "insider trading" that suddenly sprang up against some of the lower-level employees."
"The timing seemed awfully convenient, so I'm not sure that these accusations were credible."
"To be fair, when your Suit model is "Con Artist" or "Swindler," I imagine it might be easy to get accused of illicit activity."
(25 second pause)
C.O.O.: "The decision to upend the Boardbot department was not a universally popular one, especially among the Boardbots themselves."
"Robert received many complaints and threats of litigation by soon-to-be jobless Suits."
"Of course, the employees of the Coal, Oil, and Gas Syndicate are considered to be hired 'at-will', so Robert would not have to worry about litigation centering their dismissal."
"Nor was Robert particularly concerned about any action from associated labor unions. Their pull on this company is minimal at best."
"That may have eased Robert's mind, but it didn't make things any better for the Boardbots themselves. They must have felt desperate to retain their positions."
"About a week before the sacking was scheduled to occur, there was a massive uptick in Boardbot activity all over Cog Nation."
"I guess that they decided that a massive surge of productivity might convince Robert that it was worth the company's time and resources to retain their services."
"It's just too bad that their show of force was not so forceful. The Boardbots were beaten back like a mob of moochers."
"Honestly, it probably made it easier for Robert to fire them when that finally happened a few days later."
"It didn't help their case that six of the eight Boardbots forgot Robert's manufacturing day. That probably sealed their fate before anything."
"The only two Boardbots that benefited from all this were the Magnate and the Head Honcho."
"The both of them were just productive enough to sway Robert into retaining them."
"The fact that they remembered his manufacturing day probably helped as well."
"The Magnate got a promotion, too. Officially, the Magnate got this because he performed the best out of any Boardbot during the 'last ditch effort' period."
"At the same time, I can't help but wonder if Robert did that just because he wanted the highest-ranked bird-themed Suit in the company."
"Regardless, I'm happy that Robert is finally investing in our department. Who knows where he'll invest next?"
(20 second pause)
C.O.O.: "There's a little guy you might have seen in a hat with a weird mustache wandering around."
"That's the Bagholder. He smells like old petroleum and reminds me of this golf cart attendant that yelled at me once."
"I don't think we should have hired him. Robert saw him hauling coal on his back one day and hired him on the spot because "he looked like a Boardbot.""
"I'm not sure what that means. I suspected Robert may have seen something of himself in this brash upstart of diminutive size."
"If Robert didn't use cleaning products for several years, then maybe I'd see the resemblance."
"To be fair, I'm not the only one concerned about this new employee. Allan also expressed consternation about his overconfidence and smell."
"Robert's response was to hire the Paper Hands, who is the exact opposite of the Bagholder in the sense that he is meek and has basic hygienic practices."
"I'm happy that we have this new employee, although I'm not sure about the wisdom of pairing these two on major projects."
"The theory is that Bagholder's overconfidence and Paper Hands' deference should offset each other, and their similar ranks should encourage a collaborative environment."
"However, that theory has not borne out in practice. Paper Hands, despite being of higher rank, is a pushover and the Bagholder is the one doing the pushing over."
"They have already lost the company a significant amount of money by stubbornly holding onto assets long after they have lost value."
"Despite the financial failings of this detrimental duo, Robert has been slow to end their unsuccessful partnership."
"I wonder if Robert has become comfortable with failure. He's dealt with it a lot over the past several years."
"Eh, the company's still standing so I guess that counts for something."
(30 second pause)
C.O.O.: "Here's the first of my questions for you: have you seen the Insider? I'm asking because I don't think I ever have."
"We use them for intelligence gathering on both Toons and Suits. It's a natural fit, them being a shadow-y figure."
"That shadowiness is the problem. I've never held a meeting with them. I've never spoken to them. I've never even seen them in person."
"When they deliver reports, I never see them get dropped off. The reports are just there when I enter the room."
"Considering the rumors about the exact nature of the Insider, I think that sense of mystery is shared by other employees."
"Some say that they never clock out, others say that they were responsible for the Chainsaw Consultant's... situation"
"Still others say that the Insider is not a single person, but a secret society of Suits that sell information to the highest bidder, Toons included."
"I even heard one leery Lawbot claim that the Insider, not Atticus, was responsible for that awful insurance company collapse a few years ago."
"At this rate, I'm half expecting to hear soon that the Insider is third cousin to Robert and second cousin to me."
"Of course, all of these things are almost certainly false. There is a real Insider somewhere underneath their hat and collar."
"One of our other new hires is dedicated to solving the mystery of the Insider. That someone would be the Circuit Breaker."
"This employee is part of our crisis management team. I guess he decided that the rumors about the Insider were a crisis that needed to be managed."
"He has cobbled together a massive web of information on the exact nature of the Insider and who they might be."
"He likes to talk about these investigative efforts to anyone who will listen. I have done so on several occasions."
"While I appreciate his dedication, I'm concerned that his obsession is starting to cause problems at the company."
"Last month, we had a report filed of crisis management meetings being derailed by Circuit Breaker's "inane theory that the Insider is secretly three Toons in a trench coat.""
(30 second pause)
C.O.O.: "There are some cases where collaborative efforts have to be arranged by the company, as is the case with the Bagholder and the Paper Hands."
"Other collaborations form more authentically through shared interests."
"Consider the case of the Deadlock and the Shark Watcher. Both operate in the Coal & Ice District, which is where Cosmo and his underlings have been active."
"Shark Watcher, being the observant fish that he is, was concerned about the amount of control Cosmo was amassing over the Suits operating in that region."
"Apparently, he expressed these concerns to Deadlock, who was very adamant that a resistance to these efforts be mounted."
"I'm not sure why the Deadlock would care about Cosmo's crew. If the name is any indication, maybe he just likes being in conflict with other Suits."
"Either way, the two banded together and have created something of a "counter-gang" to thwart Cosmo's ambitions."
"They've made some headway in persuading other Suits in the region to support them, to the point where it's starting to become an issue for the Cashbot department."
"Last week, the Satellite Investors filed a report on behalf of the Plutocrat requesting company mediation pertaining to Suit activities in the Coal and Ice District."
"They stated that lower-level Suits have been "disrupting the operations of the Plutocrat and all associated parties"..."
"...which include "the collection of 'holiday contributions'" and "the 'legal unification' of all storefronts in the Coal & Ice District."
"I offered to have the issue brought before the Lawbots, since they tend to resolve these types of issues, but the Satellite Investors wanted some sort of "commission" to make the decision."
"Company policy prohibits the creation of special commissions without authorization from the Chairman, so I had to bring the issue before Robert."
"To my surprise, he shrugged the whole thing off, stating that "competition is good for productivity," and that "any in-fighting will only serve to make the company stronger.""
"I would think that it is important to present a united Suit front and not have subversive activity of this kind, but again, it's Robert's company and he makes the decisions."
"I imagine you can conclude that no special commission was created in response to this issue. The Coal & Ice War rages on."
(35 second pause)
C.O.O.: "As previously mentioned, the Magnate and Head Honcho were able to prove themselves to the Chairman, and each were rewarded for their efforts."
"They kept their jobs, they got upgrades, and the Magnate even got promoted. As you can imagine, they felt pretty happy about all of this."
"Perhaps it wasn't surprising that they couldn't quite excise their more competitive edges once the need for them abated."
"Both the Magnate and Head Honcho became convinced not only that the Chairman favored them, but that they needed to prove it somehow."
"This led to a strange situation in the office where each was trying to prove themselves superior to the new Boardbots."
"I'm not sure if anyone asked them to prove said superiority, but they were attempting to do it regardless."
"For example, a few weeks ago, Jennifer received a call from someone claiming to be the Chairman. They asked for 452 chairs to be delivered to Robert's office."
"When the Head Honcho learned of this, not only did he arrange for the delivery of the chairs..."
"...but he put himself in a supervisory position to ensure that the chairs were moved to Robert's office once they had been delivered."
"The problem was that Robert had not actually asked for this."
"You could imagine what the look on his face was when he saw an armada of Boardbots moving tons of chairs into his office."
"We concluded that a Toon had called in pretending to be Robert to make this order. Mysteriously, we could not determine who this Toon was or from where the call was made."
"After that incident, Robert refocused the efforts of the Magnate and the Head Honcho onto something more productive."
"See, we had hired a lot of new Boardbots. Robert decided that the Magnate and Head Honcho were in a unique position to show these automatons the ropes of how our company operates."
"However, the reports coming out of the training sessions seem to suggest that the Magnate and Head Honcho have been quite egomaniacal in their deals with the lower-tiered Suits."
"One report from Paper Hands told the tale of Magnate forcing the poor unfortunate Paper Hands to pay for his feather trimming on the grounds that "he was a higher-ranked Suit and that he deserved it.""
"Another report from Deadlock indicated, well, a deadlock between him and the Head Honcho over the latter's insistence that the former get him a box of cigars in return for the training session."
"The standoff only ended when the Bagholder insulted the Head Honcho's taste in cigars."
"Let's just say that the Circuit Breaker had to stop the Head Honcho from beating out what little stuffing there was left in the Bagholder's hat."
"I'm told that future training sessions will have better oversight from higher-ups in the department."
(25 second pause)
C.O.O.: "I suppose I should get to those questions I was going to ask you."
"You see, we are doing a series of both internal and external focus groups surrounding the new Boardbots and their impact on the company."
"I have a captive audience, so I might as well get some data from our opponents on what this impact is."
"I'll read you some questions and you respond to them. It's really important that you be honest to me when you answer these questions."
"Okay, first question: "Are your opinions on the new Boardbots positive, neutral, or negative?""
"Very good. I like the new Boardbots myself, but I'm not part of the focus group so I won't share any additional opinions."
"Question two: "Do you think that the revamped Boardbot department represents your values?""
"Okay, the answer to that was probably obvious."
"Question three: "Which Boardbot have you responded most positively to?""
"And a followup question: "Which Boardbot have you responded most negatively to?""
"Okay, there's a few questions about the hiring process that you wouldn't know about, so I'm going to skip those."
"Question seventeen: "Do you think that these Boardbots will effectively resolve the 'Toon problem?'""
"I guess the jury's still out on that one."
"Okay, I have one more question for you: "What projects or goals do you think should be the priority of the Coal, Oil, and Gas Syndicate?""
"Great, thank you for your input. The company values your thoughts in this time of analysis."
"I'm not sure about the part of the company "valuing" you necessarily, but the opinions will be appreciated regardless."
"Normally, at this point, you would receive some type of monetary compensation."
"Unfortunately, COGS, Inc. does not recognize jellybeans as a form of currency, so I can't give you anything that you would consider money."
(50 second pause)
C.O.O.: "Actually, maybe there IS something I can give you."
"A few months ago, the company was experimenting with "expressive graphics." It was pitched as a more effective means of business communication."
"We actually got the technology working, and some of the higher-ups were asked to prepare several graphics for testing."
"I was one of those higher-ups, and I prepared a graphic that I thought communicated a common sentiment in business communications."
"However, we ran into problems when we put the graphics in front of the Con Artist."
"He immediately created a sequence of images that said something very insulting about the Chairman."
"The whole project was immediately cancelled and I was told to destroy the graphic that I had created."
"I'm opting to give it to you instead. You Toons are very communicative, maybe you'll find a use for it."
"Anyway, I have a scheduled meeting to attend to. The Boardbot division is developing new rules surrounding the discussion of topics that are not on the Order Paper."
"The company seems eager to address the recent Magnate, Head Honcho, and Circuit Breaker incidents, myself included."
"I assume I'll see you at the same time next year."
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